Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
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I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.