Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
You Might Also Like
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.