The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one