cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
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SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Oh we’ve met.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.