Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
You Might Also Like
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My time has come.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
my first day as a raccoon
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
termite twitter scares me
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer