@mrjohndarby

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

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@SortaBad

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

@SvnSxty

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

@DothTheDoth

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

@samalmightysam

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

@o__0Dev

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

@mister_blank

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

@causticbob

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

@OakHill_

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

@UnFitz

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

@marcusthetoken

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.