Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely


Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see


Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.


Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.


Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.


[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?



The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”


Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end


*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine


Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.