Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
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2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
going to the ER y’all need anything
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.