Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
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You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you