going to the ER y’all need anything
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Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I cannot stop laughing at this
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.