My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
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Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Namaste
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
When you’re Kinky but poor
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
*seductively eats two tums*
How animals would run if they were human
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Traveler’s camo
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other