so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
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Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Damn what did I do next
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!