Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
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Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
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