Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
You Might Also Like
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Dune (2021)
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.