Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
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Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*