There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
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If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.