Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
You Might Also Like
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
no cat here
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.