Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
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Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.