It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
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My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.