Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

Legend 🤣🤣

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

Driving in Europe vs Canada

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God