Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets