Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

incredible book dedication

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

Customer is always right

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?