Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
It be like that sometimes 😆
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Me, flirting😏
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.