Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?