there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time