“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
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Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl![]()
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*