“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
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On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I missed you with all my darts
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT