Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
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Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My life in a nutshell
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
be careful
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO