Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
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We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.