You sure about that?
You Might Also Like
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Cinematography is my passion
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”