Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
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MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.