Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
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The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.