God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
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People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I’m awake but I object,
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!