I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
You Might Also Like
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
When you’re here for the treats.
Fight
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.