What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
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Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.