When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
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My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
This pepper has seen some shit
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Covid like
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?