It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
You Might Also Like
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Just parrot things
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Chemical wingman
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]