I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
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When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana