I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied