Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
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*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said