a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
You Might Also Like
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Just grow your own
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.