I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
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Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
WHY?!
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.