Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Rosetta Stone says they鈥檒l have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it鈥檚 had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i鈥檒l let you go if you just please stop talking
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right 鈥榬ound like a record.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 馃檨 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
馃槀
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
You鈥檝e got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window