me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”