Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*