To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
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Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.