TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Love is always patient and kind.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.