*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
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Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Had to try this trend 😊
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself