Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”