B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
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DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.