Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
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Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths