CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
when someone rings the doorbell
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you