You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.