I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
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I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
very niche meme I made
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.