My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
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I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.